Do One Thing Different

How Small Changes Can Shift Relationship Patterns

When couples come to therapy, they often arrive with a long list of things they want to change.

“We need to communicate better.”

“We keep having the same argument.”

“They need to stop shutting down.”

“I need them to listen.”

“We need to reconnect.”

These concerns are important. But sometimes focusing exclusively on everything that needs to change can leave couples feeling overwhelmed or hopeless.

What if the first step didn’t have to be fixing the entire relationship?

What if it were simply doing one thing differently?

This is an idea that fits beautifully within the solution-oriented work of Bill O’Hanlon.

O’Hanlon’s Solution-Oriented Approach emphasizes drawing attention toward clients’ strengths, resources, possibilities, and solutions rather than positioning the therapist as the expert who analyzes and diagnoses the problem for them.

His work also emphasizes the importance of changing what people do, how they view something, or the context surrounding the problem.

For couples, this can be incredibly practical.

Couples Often Get Stuck in Patterns, Not Just Problems

Imagine a couple who repeatedly argues about household responsibilities.

One partner says:

“You never help unless I ask.”

The other responds:

“That’s not true. I do plenty.”

The first partner becomes more frustrated.

The second becomes defensive.

The conversation escalates.

Eventually, one person walks away.

The other feels abandoned.

And neither person feels heard.

A traditional problem-focused conversation might spend a great deal of time trying to determine who is right.

A solution-oriented conversation might also ask:

“What happens when this interaction goes differently?”

And:

“What could either of you do differently the next time the pattern begins?”

That’s a different conversation.

Interrupting the Pattern

Couples often believe they need their partner to change before they can feel better.

Relationships are systems. When one person changes how they participate in a recurring interaction, it can sometimes influence what happens next.

This doesn’t mean one partner is responsible for fixing the relationship.

It means each person can explore:

“What is within my control?”

Maybe the person who usually criticizes tries describing the specific need without criticism.

Instead of:

“You never help around here.”

They might say:

“I’m overwhelmed, and I need help getting dinner and dishes handled tonight.”

Maybe the partner who usually becomes defensive tries responding with curiosity.

Instead of:

“I do plenty!”

They might say:

“I didn’t realize you were feeling this overwhelmed. What would feel helpful tonight?”

The problem hasn’t magically disappeared.

But the pattern has changed.

And once the pattern changes, something new becomes possible.

What Does “One Thing Different” Actually Mean?

It doesn’t have to be dramatic.

In fact, smaller changes are often easier to practice consistently.

Doing one thing differently might mean:

• Pausing before responding.

• Asking a question instead of making an assumption.

• Choosing a different time to have a difficult conversation.

• Taking a break before becoming emotionally flooded.

• Saying what you need instead of hoping your partner will figure it out.

• Responding to vulnerability with curiosity instead of defensiveness.

• Doing something that has worked well for you in another situation.

• Bringing more attention to moments when the relationship is already working.

A Relationship Challenge for This Week

Think about one recurring interaction with your partner.

Don’t choose the biggest problem in your relationship.

Choose one pattern you notice regularly.

Then ask yourself:

What do I usually do?

What does my partner usually do in response?

What happens next?

And then:

What is one thing I could do differently?

Not ten things. Not everything. One thing.

Maybe you pause.

Maybe you soften your approach.

Maybe you speak up sooner.

Maybe you listen longer.

Maybe you ask instead of assume.

Maybe you take a break.

Maybe you reach toward your partner instead of away.

Then notice what happens.

Because sometimes you don’t need to completely dismantle a relationship pattern to create change.

Sometimes you simply need to interrupt it.

One different response can create one different interaction.

And one different interaction can create a new possibility.

Don’t ignore pain or pretend problems don’t exist. Look for the places where change is already possible, and build from there.